Veritas
by La Trom Mi
Summary: Why does no one know what Hermione was like before Hogwarts? Why is she so reluctant to talk about it? Originally posted as "Hidden Past." Seventh year, AU.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot itself. The characters, the settings, all of that belongs to JK Rowling. **

**I rated this "M" because there will be references to violence and whatnot later in the story. However, I think "M" is a bit strong for this, but "T" may be a tad weak, so "M" it is.**

**This was originally posted about a year or so ago, but things happened and it got erased, so here it is again with some changes in the later chapter. Enjoy.**

* * *

Prologue

I know that everyone sees me as this unbearable know-it-all. They all see me as the girl with all the answers, but they don't understand. They don't understand why I am the way I am, why I care so much about my grades and about not getting suspended. They don't know what I was like before I came to Hogwarts – they don't see this other, darker side of me that still exists. I've tried to hide it, to kill it. I've tried to let go of it, tried to leave it in the past, and for years, I've succeeded. I've matured – a lot. I've grown-up and am now happy. I have three best friends – three people that I can trust my life to – Harry, Ron, and Ginny. Harry, Ron and I have been friends since the troll incident our first year. We've been nicknamed the "Golden Trio" because of all the trouble that seems to find us – and the little amount of trouble we seem to get into with the Professors. Ginny is a year below us and while we've been friendly, we didn't really become friends until she started to date Harry last year. Now, she's become the person that I go to when I need to talk about stuff that Harry and Ron wouldn't understand, but with this new school year, with my becoming Head-Girl, everything's changed. There's stuff in my past that keeps coming back to haunt me – stuff that I used to do, ways I used to behave, stuff that Ginny and the guys know nothing about. I've never told them, I've never felt the need to, but I might have to. Why can't I just let the past go?


	2. Chapter One: HeadGirl

Chapter 1: Head-Girl

"Granger." I heard behind me as I sat down in the compartment reserved for the Head-Girl and Boy. I turned around, hoping that I had heard the sneer in that voice wrong.

"Hello, Malfoy." Of all the people to be Head-Boy, it _would _have to be him leaning against the doorway. Why couldn't it be someone else? "I assume you're to be the new Head-Boy?"

"Of course. Who else would it be?" Over the years, Draco Malfoy has turned into an attractive person. He was still an arrogant, hateful ass, but even I had to admit he was quite attractive. "Don't tell me. I have to share this compartment, _and_ the dorm with you? A filthy, stinking mud…." He was interrupted by the arrival of one of my best friends and his most hated enemy.

"Malfoy," Harry stood there, glaring at Malfoy with cold steel in his eyes. "Please, finish that sentence. Give me an excuse."

"Oh, Potter. You are a stupid git, aren't you," Malfoy turned around, smirking. "Do you really think you are going to get away with blasting me – the Head-Boy? You would be suspended before the train even began to stop." He pushed past Harry, laughing. "Oh, I wish _you_ would give _me_ just the smallest reason." With that said, he disappeared into another compartment – one that probably held Crabbe and Goyle.

"Hey 'Mione. You okay?" Harry asked me. Harry has always been the nicest, sweetest guy – even when he was being a clueless idiot. "Was he serious? Is he really the new Head-Boy?"

"Apparently, Harry."

"What was Dumbledore thinking? Making _Malfoy_ Head-Boy?"

"Harry, you know that the Head-Boy has to have been a prefect and have the highest grades among the male prefects."

"Yeah, but _Malfoy?_" I love Harry, but sometimes he needed more than a hint.

"Harry, I don't want to think about it." I shook my head at him, brown curls flying everywhere. "Let's talk about something else. How's Ginny?"

"Oh, she's fine. She's in the back with Ron and Luna. She's trying to get those two together. Thinks they'll be 'cute' together. She's been at it since last week."

"What? You mean he hasn't told her yet? He promised us he would tell her!"

"I know, but try telling him that." Harry looked out the window at the passing scenery. "I would tell her, but we promised Ron not to say anything." I could tell that keeping this secret from Ginny was hard on him. "Anyway. I tried to get her to stop. . ." Harry glanced at me before continuing. "I kind of told her that he was still in love with you. . ."

"What? Harry!" Ron and I had dated for a few months last year, but it wasn't like Harry's relationship with Ginny. It had never gotten that intimate.

"I know! I know I shouldn't have, but it did work, for a while."

"What happened?" Knowing Harry, he probably forgot to mention to Ron that he was supposed to still be in love with me.

"She asked him and he told her that he wasn't still in love with you, that the two of you are happier being friends. That's when she decided that he would be great with Luna."

"Harry, we need to talk to Ron again. He has to tell her."

"I agree, but how are we going to convince him . . ." Harry stopped speaking when he heard the door sliding open.

"Out, Potter," Malfoy stood in the doorway, leering at Harry. "Wouldn't want your Weasley trollop getting jealous, would we?"

"Harry!" I yelled as he started to lunge at Malfoy. "We're not even at Hogwarts yet!" Harry looked at me with anger in his eyes.

"Fine." Harry said as he pushed past Malfoy, making him stumble into the wall. The door slid closed as Malfoy sat down. I didn't want to deal with him, so I stared out the window, waiting for the Hogwarts train station to come into view.

As I stared out the window, Malfoy started to mumble to himself. I didn't want him to notice that I was looking at him, so I watched his reflection on the window, wishing that I could make out what he was saying. I was so intent on watching him, that I barely noticed when the train jolted to a stop.

"About bloody time," Malfoy grumbled, standing up. At the door, he turned to look at me. "Coming, Granger? Or are you still dreaming about Potty?" That said, he stormed out of the compartment.

I sat there a while longer, catching my breath. Even though I wasn't thinking of Harry, Malfoy's comment hit a nerve. I got up to leave as Ron looked in.

"All right, 'Mione?" Ron asked, giving me his goofy grin. "Malfoy giving you a hard time?"

"Yeah, but no more than usual." Technically that was true, his comments just seemed to hit harder than before. "Ron, we have to talk . . ."

"Can't talk now, 'Mione," Ron said, backpedaling. "Gotta go, just checking on you. I'll see you in the Tower." Ron turned and ran out to join the other seventh-years. I shook my head, smiling. Most everyone thought of Ron as the daft sidekick, but he was also very perceptive. He knew that I had a lecture ready for him.

Still smiling, I began to check the compartments to make sure everyone had gotten off of the train. I was half-way through when I heard a noise coming from one of the compartments. Wand in hand, I approached the door and opened it.


	3. Chapter 1:5

Chapter 1.5

Everyone thinks I'm so nice, so sweet and innocent. Even my best friends. They don't know what kind of life I had before Hogwarts, what kind of person I am. I wish I could tell them, but I'm afraid of losing them. I know, intellectually, that my fear is idiotic, but I can't help it. I know that my friends would love me regardless, but I can't get past the 'what if?' that lives in my heart.

I was prepared to keep that part of my life locked away forever, but I don't think I can anymore. This is my last year at Hogwarts. I've kept my secrets for so long, why won't they just stay away? This is all because of _him_. The one person in my life that I've tried to stay away from, tried to keep as far from me as possible, and now I have to see him every day for the next year.

Why did I have to open the door? Why did I have to see him? Why couldn't I have just walked away?


	4. Chapter Two: Nikolas

Chapter 2: Nikolas

Wand in hand, I opened the door. Standing, with his back to me, was the one person I had hoped to never see again, the one person who could ruin the life I had here at Hogwarts.

"Hello, Invidia," he said without turning around.

"How did you know it was me?" I whispered. Every thought I had of my responsibilities as Head-Girl flew out of my head. Every happy memory of Hogwarts was forgotten. The Hermione I had become gave way to the Invidia I used to be.

"I always know you," he replied in a soft voice. He continued to gaze out the window at the crowd of Hogwarts students.

Seeing him was a complete shock. I couldn't think of anything to say, all I could do was stare at his back, remembering the little things that had attracted me to him so long ago, the things that I had tried to forget – like the way his thick auburn hair hid streaks of gold and copper and had a way of curling when he let it air-dry, the way his beautiful hazel eyes would go from copper-brown to gold to green, depending on his mood. As I stood there, remembering, he turned around and I saw the permanent dimple in his right cheek and the scar along his jaw where I had cut him in a fit of anger. He walked towards me, stopping when he was within reach.

"Nikolas . . ." Being this close to him made me nervous and scared. He was the cause of so much happiness and pain. "Nikolas, what are you doing here?"

"Invidia . . ." he whispered as he reached out to me. I stood there, trembling as he caressed my right left cheek, drawing his thumb across my lips. "Molto tempo è passato, il mio cuore.(1)"

Hearing the Italian, I snapped out of the daze that Nikolas had put me in, and stepped back, slightly raising the wand I still held in my hand. I could see the hurt in his eyes, but refused to fall under again. He put his arm down and started to say something, but was interrupted by a crude laugh.

I spun around, heart pounding.

"Well, well, well. What have we here?" Draco Malfoy laughed, eyes glinting. "I see you've meet the resident Mudblood, Sesso." I tensed, raising my wand. "Now, now, Granger. Mustn't give our new student a bad impression of Hogwarts' Head-Girl." Overwhelmed by everything that has happened, I pushed by Malfoy and ran out.

I ran to my compartment just in time for the tears to fall. I couldn't believe everything that was happening. First, finding out that I would have to share a dorm with Draco Malfoy, and then seeing Nikolas and reliving everything. What else could happen?

:Breathe: I told myself. :Just breathe. All that's in the past. It has nothing to do with now, with Hogwarts. Forget it. Forget him.: I calmed myself down and left the compartment.

"Hermione!" I heard as I got off the train. "Hermione! What took you so long!" Ginny ran up to me, her red hair flying behind her. "Did you see the new guy? He's HOT!"

"Ginny!" I laughed, nervously. Ginny didn't know that I knew him, that I had a history with him, and I wasn't about to tell her or anyone else. "You're with Harry!"

"I know, but I can still look," she said, giving me a wink. "Besides, Harry's not here right now. He's not going to know. Anyway. Did you see him? What do you think? Gonna give it a shot? I mean, you and Ron aren't happening anymore, and you're available now, so?"

"Ginny, no," I hated lying to her, but if I said that I had, she would just start interrogating me about what I thought of him – a discussion I did not want to have. "I haven't seen him yet, and besides, I'll be too busy to have a boyfriend right now."

"Well, okay," she said as we walked to the carriages. "Anyway, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea, with him being friends with Malfoy and all."

"Where'd you here that from?"

"From Luna. You know how she always hears everything. Don't know how, but she does. She says that he's to be a Ravenclaw, but is close friends with Malfoy. Something about them spending summers together the last couple of years. He used to . . ."

"He spent summers with Malfoy? How come?" Ginny gave me an odd look before answering.

"His brother worked with Draco's father – he was Lucius Malfoy's Paris contact. He lived with his brother, so went to the Paris wizarding school, but transferred because his parents lived in London and he wanted to be closer to them ever since his brother died a couple of months ago."

"His brother is dead?" The news shocked me. As much as I hated Jalen, the news still shocked me. I had never expected that to happen. "How?"

"I don't know . . ." Ginny gave me a weird look. "Luna didn't say . . . 'Mione, are you okay?"

"What?" I asked her, distracted.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It's just the thought of death after everything that's happened the last few years."

"Okay . . . if you're sure . . ."

"Yeah . . . Ginny, I've got to go. The Heads have to ride together. They want us to 'bond.' I'll see you later, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Ginny gave me a quick hug and ran off to join Harry, Luna, and Ron. "Give Draco a big kiss for me, 'Mione!" she tossed over her shoulder, laughing.

I watched her and the others enter the carriage and turned to my own, dreading having to see Malfoy again. Why couldn't Ron be the Head-Boy? Why did it have to be Malfoy? I took a deep breath, bracing myself for the taunts that I knew he would throw at me during the ride to Hogwarts. I took another deep breathe and entered the carriage.

"Hello, Invidia," I heard as I sat down.

"Nikolas? What are you doing here? Get out!" I stood back up, hands forming fists, anger making my heart pound.

"Invidia, relax!" Nikolas yelled as he raised his arms in a defensive move. "Draco said that I could ride with him. I didn't know you would be here."

"Only the Heads are allowed in here," I said as I clenched my teeth. "You are not permitted in here."

"Yes, he is, Granger," Malfoy said, entering the carriage. "Prof. Snape gave his permission because the other carriages are full."

"Fine!" I said as I plopped back down. "Fine, just leave me alone." I crossed my arms and turned away from them.

"Sa non e non saprà," Nikolas said in a low tone so that only I could hear. "Prometto,il mio cuore.(2)" I refused to look at him and heard him sigh before turning to Malfoy and starting up a conversation in French.

I passed the trip in quiet, ignoring the two boys that shared the carriage with me. I had a lot to think about, so the solitude was welcome.

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(1) Molto . . .cuore: It's been a long time, my heart.

(2) Sa . . . Prometto: He doesn't know and I won't tell him. I promise, my heart."


	5. Chapter 2:5

Chapter 2.5

My god. Jalen. I never believed that the bastard would die. I mean, I'm not surprised that he took up with Lucius Malfoy. He would be attracted to him – someone that was just as evil, as charming, and beautiful. God. Why the bloody hell am I so upset over this? Jalen was nothing to me. NOTHING! He deserved to die. He deserved to die a horrible, painful death for what he did to me, for what happened to me.

Still. I never believed he would die. The evil ones don't die. Look at Voldemort. He didn't die, he won't die. He's too evil to die. The closest we've been able to come to killing him was trapping him. Fucking, bloody bastard.

Jalen. Nikolas. Why did you have to come back into my life? I was doing so well, I was healing, I was recovered. I had gotten over you and over what happened. I had forced it all away, forgotten as much as I've been able to. WHY THE FUCKING HELL DID YOU COME BACK? YOU WERE DEAD TO ME! YOU DIED WITH THE BABY! WHY COULDN'T YOU STAY DEAD?

Of course, Jalen did die. Really died. I should be happy. I should be shouting with joy because now, I know, that he can never ruin my life again. So why am I so upset? Because of Niko? Because he lost his only brother? Because he's back in my life? Because I still love him?

NO! No. I can't still love him. Not after everything that's happened. Not after what Niko and Jalen did to me. NO! I hate the bastards. BOTH of them. ALL of them.

Why am I crying?


	6. Chapter Three: Denial

Chapter 3: Denial

Overwhelmed by everything that happened, I barely noticed when the carriage stopped in front of Hogwarts. I stood up as Malfoy and Nikolas moved to leave.

"Well, Granger," Malfoy said before leaving the carriage, "I suppose I'll be seeing you in the dorm." He opened the door and stepped down. Nikolas turned to look at me and opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Malfoy. "Sesso, are you coming, or should I leave you alone with this Mudblood?" Nikolas closed his mouth and stepped out, leaving me alone in the carriage.

I left the carriage and watched them head up to the School. I stood there a moment before moving to join up with Harry, Ron, and Ginny.

"Hey, 'Mione, how was the ride?" Ron slowed down to walk with me, letting Harry and Ron ahead of us. "Malfoy giving you a hard time?"

"No," Ron was a sweet guy. Things could have worked out between us is everything had been different. "In fact, Malfoy and I didn't speak at all. We had company in the carriage and he spent the whole ride chatting with him."

"Him? Him who?"

"Just some guy that he knew. New transfer student from Paris."

"That Sesso guy? Yeah, Ginny and Luna was telling us about him in the carriage." Ron gave me a weirded out look. "Ginny told us that she had mentioned him to you and that you kinda freaked out. How come? Did you know him?"

"What? No! She told me about his brother and it bothered me a little, what with all the death the past few years."

"Yeah, she mentioned that, but she said that's not the reason you freaked. She said it was kind of like you knew him, or his brother."

"Ron . . ." I hesitated, grateful that we had entered the building. "Look, she's partially right, but I don't want to talk about it right now. Maybe later –" Ron came to a stop outside of the Great Hall.

"'Mione –"

"No, Ron," I gave him a look, letting him know that I was serious. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay . . ." he said, reluctantly dropping the subject.

"Besides, there's another conversation that we need to have." Ron glanced at me, sheepishly, knowing what I was referring to. We could hear the Sorting Hat's song through the closed doors.

"'Mione, do we have to talk about it now? The Sorting's started . . ." he opened a door to the Great Hall.

"Ron . . ." I started as he entered the Hall. "Ron!" He stopped and turned around to look at me. "I'm not feeling well, I'm going to my room, let the others know, will you?"

"Yeah, sure," Ron answered uncertainly. "Does this have to do with that topic that you don't want to talk about?" He said, letting me know that he wasn't going to forget. I glared at him before responding.

"No. I'm just not feeling well. I think having to share a carriage with Malfoy made me sick." He smiled at me before going to join Harry and Ginny at the Gryffindor table.

I watched as the crowd of small first years gathered even closer, waiting for Prof. McGonagall to call the first name.

"Aikenson, Gloria!" I heard as I turned towards the shifting staircases.

Along with my Head-Girl's notice, I had received a map, letting me know where the Heads' dorm was and how to get there. I followed the arrows on the map to the portrait that hid the entry to the dorm. I stared at it for a minute, studying it. It was a painting of a young couple in an orchard. The boy was sitting on the ground with the girl's head in his lap, feeding each other fruit. While I stared at it the couple turned their heads to look at me.

"Hello," they said simultaneously. "What's your name?"

"Hermione Granger," I answered, not used to the entry-portrait being so polite. "What's yours?"

"I'm Eiron," said the boy. "This is my mate Iara." Iara smile at me and gave me a small wave.

"Well, hello, Eiron, Iara."

"So, Hermione, are you ready to enter?" Eiron asked

"Yes, please," There was nothing more that I wanted at the moment. "The password is 'FizzWhiz.'"

"Right you are," answered Iara as the door swung open. "Don't forget to get with Draco to come up with a new password."

"Oh. Is he here already?"

"The hot blonde?" Iara asked, giggling. "You're very lucky to be sharing the tower with that one."

"Iara!" Eiron yelled at her. "Why are you looking at other men? I'm the one for you!"

"Oh, Eiron, love. I was just teasing," Iara replied as she reached up to put her hand behind his head. "I do love it when you get jealous . . ." she drew his head down to her and gave him a kiss. I entered the dorm, laughing, as the kiss turned into a make-out session. Not only was the Portrait talkative, apparently it was quite sexual as well. I shook my head, wondering how many Heads had decided to act out the scene in the Portrait.

"Well, Granger. Looks like you decided to skive off the Ceremony, too." I looked up to see Malfoy standing in the doorway to the left.

"Hello, Malfoy." The portrait had started me on a good mood, but leave it to Draco Malfoy to ruin it. I looked around the living area. There was a couch and two chairs facing the fireplace with a rug in the center. On the walls were more portraits, these of past Heads. The room was decorated in the colours of Gryffindor and Slytherin, acknowledging the Houses that we belonged to. A door to the right held a Gold plaque with my name on it, indicating that it was my room. I walked towards it, willing Malfoy to not speak.

"So, Granger," I paused, wondering why Malfoy was speaking so quietly. "What's the deal with you and Sesso?" I reached my door and opened it, unsure what to say. "I know you two know each other."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Malfoy." I denied, entering my room. I turned and started to close the door.

"Right, Invidia, right." I heard Malfoy say as the door shut. I leaned on the door, breathing hard, an assortment of emotions playing havock with my heart and mind.


	7. Chapter 3:5

Chapter 3.5

What did he hear? How did he hear Nikolas call me Invidia? What the bloody hell am I going to do now? Ron wants to know why I flipped about Jalen. Malfoy's a complete ass, and I don't think he's going to give up wanting to know about Nikolas and me. What the hell am I supposed to do? Why can't everything go back to the way it was - before today? When my life was happy, perfect . . .

FUCK. Who the hell do I think I'm kidding? My life? Perfect? What a load of . . .

I don't know. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to feel. I don't know. Malfoy I can ignore. Just because we're sharing the Tower together, doesn't mean we're going to become best friends or anything. He'll just have to ask Nikolas, who promised not to tell…

Like I've ever been able to trust him. I used to think I could. I used to think he was my soul mate, my one true love, my best friend . . . I used to love him . . .

DAMN IT! I HATE HIM! IHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIM!

So why do I still feel like I love him?

DAMN IT NO! It's not possible.

I'll tell them. I'll tell Ron and Harry and Ginny. Not all of it, just a little. I'll tell them about Stefen, but not about Nikolas and not about Jalen. It's too soon for that. I'll tell them . . . someday.

Maybe.


	8. Chapter Four: Stefen

Chapter 4: Stefen

I leaned against the door, confused, unsure of what I was thinking, what I was feeling. When it was just Nikolas to remind me of everything, I could deal. I'm confident of that, but now Malfoy's starting? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This is something I'll just have to deal with, something that I can deal with. I know I can. Nikolas said that he wouldn't tell him, and I'm not going to tell him. Maybe he'll forget about it. After all, Harry's his obsession, not me.

With that in mind, I opened my eyes and took a look around my room. The walls and ceiling were spelled to look like the outside and on the hardwood floor was a beautiful oriental rug. Across from me was a canopied bed decorated with red and gold drapes and bedding. On the windowed wall was a desk facing the window with a leather chair and four floor-to-ceiling bookshelves (two on either side of the desk). Across the room from that was a large fireplace with a comfortable, overstuffed armchair with an ottoman placed in front of it. On the same wall as the door, was my dresser with a large antique mirror. The room was beautiful, more beautiful and larger than I expected it to be. It was enough to take my mind off of Nikolas and Malfoy. I walked over to the armchair to sit down and almost screamed in surprise when a fire came to life in the fireplace. After seven years, I should be used to the magic, but once in a while it still caught me off-guard – especially when I returned to the wizarding world after months of playing a Muggle. I shook my head, smiling to myself as I sat down.

The fire was warm. The chair was comfortable. I was tired and had started to doze off when a knock on the door woke me up.

"Go away," I yelled at the door. "I'm trying sleep."

"''Mione, open up! It's us!" yelled Harry's voice through the door accompanied by a series of knocks. "C'mon! We missed you at dinner!"

"Okay, okay!" I laughed as I crawled out of my chair. Although we had owled each other constantly over the summer and had talked earlier that day, I still missed my best friends. "I'm coming!" I went to the door and opened it, just in time to see Malfoy's door open across the Common Room.

"POTTER!" Malfoy yelled, appearing in the doorway. "What on earth are you doing here? How the bloody hell did you get in here!" He demanded, arms crossing his chest. Apparently Harry had woken him up because he was in nothing but a pair of green boxer and his silvery-blonde hair had that ungeled, rumpled look. It was quite cute, the way his hair waved without all that gunk to smear it straight back.

"Oh, Malfoy, love. Don't throw a hissy-fit," Ginny teased. "We only came to pay you a visit. You do look lovely in those boxers." Unused to Ginny's teasing, Malfoy's eyes widened before he stalked back into his room.

"Bloody idiots. Who the hell do they think they are? If I wasn't so damn tired . . ." we heard Malfoy mumbling to himself as he slammed his door shut.

"Ginny!" Harry admonished. "What were you thinking? It's Malfoy! Do you flirt with him?"

"Oh, come off it, Harry." Ron laughed. "She's just teasing."

"Harry," Ginny said, putting her arms around Harry. "You saw what happened. He didn't know how to take it. I figured that all your fighting was only provoking him so I decided to change tactics." Ginny reached up and gave him a kiss before continuing, " . . . besides, he was cute in those boxers." Laughing, she raced past me into my room.

"Guys, get in here before that git starts up again," I ordered as I pushed them into my room. "Anyway, what are you doing here?" I asked as I closed the door and locked it. Harry and Ginny had already claimed my chair and Ron had taken a seat on the ottoman. I pulled the desk chair over to them and sat down.

"Well, we haven't really had a chance to see you, so we decided to come visit," Ginny said. "It's a good thing the two of you hadn't changed the password yet, otherwise we would've never had gotten in. Besides we wanted to talk to you. . ."

"Yeah, 'Mione," Ron interrupted. "You said that you would tell us about the whole Sesso-freak-out thing."

"Guys, it's nothing."

"'Mione," Ron gave me a look that told me they weren't going to leave until they heard the story. "Tell us."

"Ron, it happened a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore."

"If that was true, then you wouldn't have reacted to what Ginny told you." Harry said as I stood up. I walked to the mirror and placed my hands down on the dresser. I knew that I would tell them eventually, I just wasn't expecting it to be now. "'Mione, we love you. We're your best friends. You can talk to us."

"I know that. It's just a memory that I want to forget." I sighed and turned around, facing them. "I used to have a brother. . . Stefen . . . he was my older brother. He was eighteen when it happened. . . ."

"Hermione," Ginny asked in a quiet voice. "What happened?"

"He had picked me up from the school and we were on the way home, but we decided to stop for ice cream because it was my birthday." I smiled a little at the memory. "I had just turned eight. . . ." Talking about this was hard, but it wasn't quite as hard as I had expected it to be. I took a deep breath and continued on. Even though it was easier to talk about it than I expected, I still knew that if I stopped, I wouldn't be able to continue. "He had a vanilla cone while I had a chocolate cone. We were driving home, laughing, eating our ice cream cones, trying to stop the drips . . . . . " I paused and took a deep breath, refusing to cry. "I had just finished mine when we heard a loud noise. It scared us and Stefen dropped his cone in his lap. It was cold and he swerved . . ." my voice cracked and I blinked against the tears in my eyes. ". . . we didn't see the other automobile. . ."

"Oh, 'Mione . . ." Ginny whispered as Ron came up to me and gave me a hug. I welcomed his comfort for a few minutes. Telling them about Stefen eased the burden on my heart quite a bit, but the telling was tiring. I returned Ron's hug before pushing him away.

"Guys," I swallowed against the tears that wanted to fall. "I need to sleep. . ."

"'Mione . ."Harry started, but was cut off.

"Okay, ''Mione," Ginny said getting up. "Harry, come on."

"Ginny, what are you . . ."

"Harry, don't be stupid," Ginny said in a whisper, pulling him up. "She needs to be alone." She dragged him to the door and opened it, pushing him out.

"Hermione," Ron looked at me, concern in his eyes. "Will you be all right?"

"Yeah, Ron," I gave him a smile. "It's just been a long time since I've talked about Stefen." I gave him a hug and a smile before I pushed him towards the door. "Go to bed before I deduct any points from Gryffindor."

"You wouldn't do that," Ron laughed as he left.


	9. Chapter 4:5

Chapter 4.5

Stefen. Merlin, how I've missed you. It's been so long since I've allowed myself to think of you, so long since I've been able to talk to you. Mum and Dad refuse to talk about what happened, they refuse to even mention you – at least not in front of me. It's like you've never existed.

I know that they miss you at least as much as I do, so why won't they talk about you?

Stefen! Why did you have to die? You should be here! You should have been there for me – been there to prevent everything that's happened.

If only you had survived instead of me. Mum and Dad would never have had reason to be ashamed of me, never would've threatened to take Hogwarts away from me.

I know they haven't done that in years, but it still hurts, knowing that they trusted me so little all those years ago, knowing that if I had gotten in trouble – even once – with Harry and Ron, that I would never have been allowed to return to Hogwarts.

Of course, I can't blame them. I did little to deserve their trust after everything that I did and put them through.

I've missed you, Stefen. For a long time, I felt like I hated you, like it was your fault that you died instead of me and that I was being punished for surviving.

I know that's not true. I know that it wasn't my time yet, but it doesn't make the pain any less.


	10. Chapter Five: December

Chapter 5: December

"Invidia," I heard as I gave Eiron and Iara the password to my dorm. Sighing, I turned, knowing that I wouldn't be able to avoid him forever. "Where've you been? I haven't seen you since the carriage ride."

"What do you want, Nikolas?" I've been avoiding him for the last couple of months, hoping he would forget about me with the help of his new girlfriend.

"Invidia . . ."

"Don't call me that."

"But . . . "

"No, Nikolas. That was a long time ago and I'm no longer that stupid little girl that you once knew."

"You're not stupid, Invidia. I never thought you were," he pleaded as he reached out to me. "Invidia, I care about you, I always have and I always will." He paused as I stepped back, moving out of his reach. "Invidia, please . . ."

"Nikolas, what happened, happened, and we can't change that," I said, avoiding his eyes. "but I refuse to let you cause me any more pain." I turned and entered my dorm.

"Invidia," Nikolas said quietly. "Che ricordo l'oggi è, anche se lei fa non.(1)" I spun around and opened my mouth to speak when the portrait swung close.

I stood there, feeling numb, for several minutes, tears welling up in my eyes. I blinked my eyes, trying not to cry when I heard Eiron and Iara talking to someone on the other side of the portrait. I barely had time to dry my eyes when the Portrait swung open.

"'Mione?" Ron asked as he entered the dorm. I looked at him, unable to shake the numbness that had settled over me. "I just saw Nikolas outside, he looked pissed. What happened?" I just stared at him, unable to focus on what he was saying. "Hermione?" He came closer and waved his hand in front of my eyes. "Hermione!" He snapped his fingers in front of my face, causing me to snap out of my daze.

"Hmm?" I knew he was worried, but I was still unable to completely focus on him. "What?"

"I asked you what happened with you and Nikolas."

"Nothing." I said, avoiding his eyes. "He was looking for Malfoy, but found me instead. You know how Malfoy and his friends are." I turned around and went to sit down on the couch.

"Hermione, come on, don't lie to me," Ron followed me to sit on the other end of the couch. "I know he came up here looking for you. I'm the one who told him that he'd probably find you here."

"I told you, Ron, nothing happened." I stood up and walked toward the fireplace, causing a warm fire to start up. "Why are you so convinced that something happened with us? He told me he was looking for Malfoy." I knew I was babbling, but I couldn't help myself. "I didn't know he was looking for me, he sure didn't say anything to me about it . . ."

"Hermione, stop!" Ron stood up and grabbed me by the shoulders. "Look, I know you two know each other. He let it slip that you two used to be friends." I glared at him, feeling the tears in eyes once again. "Why are you lying to me? Hermione, I'm your best friend! You know you can tell me anything, so why won't you tell me?"

"Let go of me," I said quietly, teeth clenched. "Now."

"Hermione," he started as he let me go. "You are the smartest person I know. Not talking about whatever is bothering you about Nikolas will only hurt you." I turned from him and walked to my room. "If you won't talk to me, find someone else to talk to." I entered my room and slammed the door shut, closing him out.

* * *

(1) "Invidia . . .non.": "Invidia, I remember what today is, even if you don't." 


	11. Chapter 5:5

Chapter 5.5

How dare he! Who the bloody hell does he think he is? It's none of his business how I know Nikolas! That was years and years ago, before I even knew Hogwarts existed!

And Nikolas! That blithering, idiotic, half-arsed, sodding prat! Why won't he leave me alone? Assuming that I don't know what today is? ME! How could I not remember? It happened to ME! NOT HIM! I'm the one who lost the baby! I'm the one who carried it for three fucking months and lost it! I'm the one who had to bury it!

He wasn't there. He was the one who made me love it, who made me see the baby as MY CHILD, not Jalen's, not a "child born of rape." He was the one who made me see the baby as an innocent, and HE WASN'T THERE when I lost it! How dare he!

It was his fucking fault to begin with! It would never have happened if it weren't for him! It was his fault I became pregnant before I was even eleven. HIS FAULT. It might have been Jalen's baby, but it would never have happened if it wasn't for Nikolas.

I hate him. I might have loved him once, might have thought he was my "one, true love," but that all changed when the truth came out.

I hated Jalen, but it's nothing compared to how much I hate Nikolas.

Spero che brucia nell'inferno per ciò che ha fatto a me! (1)

* * *

**(1) Spero. . . me: I hope he burns in hell for what he did to me!**


	12. Chapter Six: Confrontation

Chapter 6: Confrontation

I woke up to the sound of knocking on my door. Not wanting to talk to any of my friends, I ignored it and crawled under the covers, pulling them over my head, hoping to drown out the sound of the pounding, but it didn't work. I pulled the pillow under the covers and pushed it against my ears, but the pounding still managed to through the covers and the pillow. I sat up with a groan, throwing the pillow at the door.

"GO AWAY!"

"Open the door, Granger." I heard Draco Malfoy say calmly. Confused and still a little sleepy, I got up and walked towards the door. Months of living and working together have forced us into an uneasy truce, but we never socialised with each other unless forced to.

"What do you want, Malfoy?" I asked through the door. "It's not time for the rounds yet."

"We need to talk, Granger, so open the door."

"What do we have to talk about, Malfoy?"

"We need to talk about you and Sesso."

"There is no 'me and Sesso,' Malfoy."

"Bollocks, Granger." Malfoy said. "I know bloody well there's something between you and my best mate, so open the damn door before I blast the bloody thing." Knowing that he would do as threatened, I opened the door.

"Happy now, Draco?" I said as I crossed my arms over my chest. "Door's open."

"Damn, Granger," Draco said as he took a step back. I followed his eyes as they trailed my body from head to toe and back again. "What, in Merlin's name, happened to you?"

"What?"

"You look like the giant squid tried to mate with you is what," Draco said with a slight smirk as I went to my dresser to tidy myself up. "So, give, Granger. What's going on with you and Sesso? And don't give me that codswallop you tried to before."

"Okay. Fine. I know Nikolas." I tugged at the curls in my hair, cursing the way they tangled so easily. "Or rather, I knew him. Once. But no longer." I turned around to face him. "We used to be friends when I was ten, before I even knew Hogwarts existed." I walked towards him. "He moved, we lost touch, I grew up and he doesn't accept that." I started to push him towards the door. "Now, butt out and get out." I pushed him out and shut the door in his face.

"Granger, we're not done."

"Yes, we are."

"No, we are not," Draco said as he forced his way back into my room. "Let's face it. We are not friends. We don't like each other, we barely tolerate each other . . ."

"So why won't you leave me alone?" I asked, interrupting him.

"Because Sesso is my best mate and the only person I can trust. Whatever you're doing to him is making him miserable an–"

"I'm not doing anything to him! He's the o–"

"–and I'm getting bloody fed up with it! Always moping, not paying any attention to anything, except for you and you don't care?" Draco said, his words speeding up.

"No, I don't."

"One thing I've always respected, perhaps the only thing, is that you're not heartless. . ." Draco's voice started to rise in volume.

"Well, that's real swell of you." I said, sarcastically.

". . . did you know that he almost killed himself after that trollop dumped him?" I stared at him in shock. It felt as if all the air had left my lungs at once.

"When did that happen?" I forced out in a gasp.

"Finally, some sort of emotion out of you."

"What happened, Malfoy." I might hate Nikolas, but I never wished him dead.

"I just found him an hour ago and took him to the hospital wing. He said he couldn't take it anymore, that today was a good day to die . . ." The room started to spin, and Draco's voice lowered into a whisper. "Granger?" I heard, even though I could no longer see him. "Hermione?"


	13. Chapter 6:5

Chapter 6.5

Nikolas tried to kill himself? Why? He's not the type to do that. I mean, I know he has a lot to feel guilty about, but . . .

"Today is a good day to die." What a joke. Who the hell does he think he is? It's his fault anyway. Damn bastard. He deserves to go through the pain and the hell that I went through.

But suicide?

I don't know why I care so much. For the last several years, he was dead to me, so why should him dying bother me so much?

Damn it.

I wish I never met him or Jalen. I wish they had never moved down the street from me or that I had never fallen in with them. They were nothing but trouble and I knew it, so why didn't I just leave them alone? Why didn't they just leave me alone?

My parents tried to warn me in their "don't tell the whole truth" way. They told me that Jalen's been in and out of trouble and that the whole family was "shaky."

It wasn't until it was too late that I found out what kind of trouble Jalen's been into. By then, I was already in love with Nikolas. Or at least I believed I was. What 9 year old truly knows love? All I knew is that he cared about me, that he talked to me like I mattered, not like I was some burden that had to be taken care of.

Even after I found out, I still never believe Jalen would do it to me. I mean, he was sixteen and I was only nine and I was a part of his gang.

The gang. Another joke. There were only a few of us and we were all named after a "sin." Nikolas's the one who gave me my name. He said it was because all the girls who saw me would envy me. And I believed him. What an idiot I was.

I trusted Nikolas. I believed he would never hurt me, that he would always protect me. He promised me that he would.

He was my best friend. He was there for everything, for every crises I went through. Even when I thought I was dying because there was so much blood. He calmed me down and took me to his mother who told me that it was just a part of life, that I was becoming a woman, a little younger than most, but that it was natural all the same. Even when I told her that it wasn't my first period, she said that it was still okay, that some months were "heavier" than others and that it would take a little while to balance itself out.

Nikolas gave me that family that I didn't have. My family was non-existent. It was just a shadow of what it once was, of what it was before my brother died.

I hate Nikolas for everything that he put me through, but a part of me still loves him. Invidia still loves him. And that scares me. How can I love someone that I hate so much?


End file.
